My father claims he has been diagnosed with narcissism, and that's probably correct. Took me a while to fully understand the psychology, but I get it better now.
I had a call with him couple of days ago in which I observed some miraculous things. Basically, he's just talking to himself all the time. His self worth is so extremely low that practically all his actions are towards propping himself up, because narcissists are so afraid of criticism, they might self destruct at any moment.
In some cases he was afraid to get into more trouble with me, so he made promises to prevent future hurt, which I knew and heard in his voice he could never deliver. Frankly, I don't believe he believes it either. But they've been told so many times their behaviors are bad, that they found a way to appease the other and potentially avoid future conflict. Obviously, that often leads to more conflict in the future, because they can't keep their promises.
But I see now it is all out of insecurity. I see my father is a man that lives in a box in a box in a box in a box. Somewhere down there is his real self, but nobody including himself don't dare to go there. That entity has been completely rejected. Others can't get there because he can't get there. If he can't be himself, he thus cannot relate, and interaction becomes a play. Too afraid to be himself, because then he might get really hurt. And so all is defense to avoid facing the real self.
Joseph Campbell called Darth Vader a worm after his mask was taken off. But that's only on first glance. He's actually a good guy in the end, but he had lost himself.
A very sad story.
But it's a relief to know that it never had anything to do with me. All the ways he dismissed me, was him dismissing himself, him protecting himself. I mourn the loss of my father that could have been. But it wasn't so. And it has never been so. And I accept it to never be so. And so whatever abandoned I told myself to had taken place, never occurred. How can you abandon someone you don't know? It is impossible.
Despite having felt abandoned as a child, I was actually saved from him. I never saw him such and now I see that that was a great blessing.
My father claims he has been diagnosed with narcissism, and that's probably correct. Took me a while to fully understand the psychology, but I get it better now.
I had a call with him couple of days ago in which I observed some miraculous things. Basically, he's just talking to himself all the time. His self worth is so extremely low that practically all his actions are towards propping himself up, because narcissists are so afraid of criticism, they might self destruct at any moment.
In some cases he was afraid to get into more trouble with me, so he made promises to prevent future hurt, which I knew and heard in his voice he could never deliver. Frankly, I don't believe he believes it either. But they've been told so many times their behaviors are bad, that they found a way to appease the other and potentially avoid future conflict. Obviously, that often leads to more conflict in the future, because they can't keep their promises.
But I see now it is all out of insecurity. I see my father is a man that lives in a box in a box in a box in a box. Somewhere down there is his real self, but nobody including himself don't dare to go there. That entity has been completely rejected. Others can't get there because he can't get there. If he can't be himself, he thus cannot relate, and interaction becomes a play. Too afraid to be himself, because then he might get really hurt. And so all is defense to avoid facing the real self.
Joseph Campbell called Darth Vader a worm after his mask was taken off. But that's only on first glance. He's actually a good guy in the end, but he had lost himself.
A very sad story.
But it's a relief to know that it never had anything to do with me. All the ways he dismissed me, was him dismissing himself, him protecting himself. I mourn the loss of my father that could have been. But it wasn't so. And it has never been so. And I accept it to never be so. And so whatever abandoned I told myself to had taken place, never occurred. How can you abandon someone you don't know? It is impossible.
Despite having felt abandoned as a child, I was actually saved from him. I never saw him such and now I see that that was a great blessing.